I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
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