Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
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