Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
