When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
29 Frat Parties That Got Way Too Out Of Control
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
15 Ridiculous Ways Broke People Managed to Make a Buck
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.