turn off your phone and go to bed
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
time to smoke my breakfast
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
It's shark week go big or go home
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.