please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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