fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
Randomize
