I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Randomize
