Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
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