On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
She stuck a Big Gulp bend-y straw up his ass to see if he could handle anal.
Ew, and?!
Well he couldn't and the deal was he had to drink something using it afterwards.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
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