I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
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