I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
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