i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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