We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Randomize
