I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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