it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
Randomize
