i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Randomize
