i need an iv and a liver transplant
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
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