I just cut my nipple shaving
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
Your topless pictures make me question reality
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
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