I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Randomize
