i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
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Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
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