Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
The uberlube is also flammable
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
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