People in love make me want to vomit
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
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