Courtney? Is that you? I have pictures of this very same night.
I think I won the penis lottery.
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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