nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed