good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
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I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
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Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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