Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Someone signed my nipple.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
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