So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
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I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
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