im drinking this country out of the recession.
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
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i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
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i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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