So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
