"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Randomize