Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
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