Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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