Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
Everything about him screamed your future.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
