Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
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