i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
Randomize
