a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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