WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
Randomize
