Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
