Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
This can only be settled by a dance off.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
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