This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
