I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
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