i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
