i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
