I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
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