oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
Randomize
