He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
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