I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
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