just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
Randomize
