Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Randomize
