he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Randomize
