I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
Evryone should know as good ramen noodle cooked in beer sounds... its not
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
he just fucked me for my cheese..
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