Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I realized that I earned the name Classy cassie as i was throwing up vodka slushie in my bed with a guy I know by the name extacy boy
week 6 of class: i have yet to go to spanish sober. i love being THAT girl.
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Randomize
