there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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