In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
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