You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
Randomize
