Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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